Mental and physical breakdown

its official. I over did it.

nausea, stomach pains, sore throat, headaches, runny nose, cough, lack of focus.
I pushed myself too hard to do well, and when i stress with how weak my immune system is normally and how prone i am to getting horrible sick I didn't stand a chance. I guess i should be thankful I didn't have to go to a hospital this time.  But i feel awful. trying to type up homework and papers and revisions when My head and body feels like I could pass out at any second. so worried at how i am gonna fail.  already had a few crying episodes at how I hate that I can't handle stress and how mad I am at myself for getting sick. I don't know how I will make it, but I gotta try. i can't stop working even if I do end up in the hospital again, I can always push through the pain. even if I am on enough medication to knock out a lion.  4 days and I can pass out and sleep for weeks or months if I want. just if there is a god... let me get through the next 4 days let me feel like I did well. That i'm not a failure that always has severe medical problems that keep her from being able to do things other kids can.  let me at least finish the work for this today and pass out and wake up tomorrow and do my other work.  

Organization

Tonight I have to search through my entire apartment for all my photo work for this semester to give to my teacher for a notebook check tomorrow... and let me just say I am fucked. Although I don't what I could possible make this teacher like me at this point as they picked me out in the beginning of the semester to be a punching bag that get lectured about things not only I do wrong.  I am just glad my parents are understanding about knowing when teachers do have a least favorite student, don't get me wrong she is gonna fail half the class and the entire class hates her, but she takes her stress and annoyance at my classmates on me. I honestly should have dropped the class when I had the chance.  C'est La Vie.

so many papers to write

school is completely overwhelming

ugh i'm so tired it kills

Overwhelmed

All I can think about is all the shit I need to get done in the next two weeks and while I am sitting in class and trying to fall asleep at night.... it wont stop bothering me. I feel kinda sick, the only kind of sick I can get around finals, last semester it wasn't that bad for finals, and my first finals... well I had been in the hospital the week before hand very sick and was then discharged before i was better.... those finals were a blur of painkillers then me flying home to Chicago to go to hospitals there. I think that experience has made college finals seem even more overwhelming and hopeless.

Y-Me Fashion Show

Y-Me is a Breast Cancer organization that has a hotline for people going through breast cancer 24/7, 360 days a year, in 150 languages. I photographed a columbia college fashion show for them last night. Here are some of my favorite photos:

Community

I have recently gotten into the show Community. It is the funniest show I have ever watched. Even with it being only on its 3rd season it is a very popular show. I highly recommend watching it. The head writer is a genius.

Stress

Finals will be the death of me. That is all.

Korean Dramas

So my best friend is korean and loves to secretly watch korean dramas. She has made me watch a couple and they are oddly addictive. Everything that could happen and could go wrong does. Most of the story lines are completely rediculous and most are love stories of things that would NEVER EVER HAPPEN. example: prince marrying commoner, hotel heir marrying stunt woman, movie star and a spy....etc. usually rich guy falling in love with a poor but headstrong woman. And I thought Disney gave women unrealistic expectations in men.

I think I make more work for myself.

why on earth did I decide to do a photo final with people..... people are so unreilable when it comes to scheduling photo shoots.

End of the semester

I have to do like 1 6 photoshoots in the next week and a half and papers to correct(I promise I will get my rewrite to you... downloading it from my email is having some weird problems) and I am starting to get overwhelmed and all I want is summer. I hope I survive the next month.

Heating

My building controls the heat for all the apartments which has led to some really really cold nights. I bought a space heater but it isn't always enough as it only really works on my bedroom leaving the rest of the apartment cold. So on days like today when you would assume it would be warm out and its really cold... my apartment is freezing. Which makes it so much harder to get out of bed when the bed is so warm and you have finally found a great position.

Drugged

so yesterday morning I went to the dentist and they drugged and numbed me and took care of one tooth, then told me I would have to go somewhere else for the other teeth. So my mom rushed me somewhere else not wanting to have to go another day. They drugged me a lot more and numbed the rest of my mouth like 20 times more. I assume it went well and that I got home and took pain meds and passed out on my bed. I just woke up about 20 hours later feeling so drugged, still in my clothes from yesterday, with a big scratch on my chin. I missed my classes yesterday(Really sorry about that) and I lost all of yesterday. I wonder if this how people feel the morning after they got blackout drunk. ok my head weighs a billion pounds right now I can't finish typing

I hate the dentist

no one likes going to the dentist but I have a really bad history with them. My most recent problem is an old dentist messed up fillings I had and they got worse... so much worse that I have to get a root canal tomorrow morning. My mouth feels like it is being beaten with a hammer.

Time management

I am not the best at managing my time, but that is part of being a student... learning how to manage your time. So when a teacher absolutely sucks of keeping track of time... and when they do it every fucking time we have a critic of each other's work... I'm a bit fed up. My photo teacher last semester timed each time we went over a student's work. So we wouldn't spend like 20 minutes on one student and only 5 on another. So this semester when the teacher spends like 15 minutes on the first 10 students and doesn't even get to me and says "it's ok just hand it in" I can't take it. Did I not spend $100+ on film, film being developed, paper, and a filter on this midterm? Did I not spend 15 hours in the darkroom and shooting? I want feedback on my goddamn work from my classmates. But SURE LETS SPEND 15 MINUTES on another picture of graffiti... which is so artsy even though the real art is done by the fucking graffiti artist. This the 4th time my teacher has either made me last or hasn't let me go at all. And when he makes the order... I can't help feel like he does this on purpose.

And when I confronted him... he says I can go first next time... which is our final. Worst teacher ever. Can't wait for the teacher evaluations. I swear this man will regret treating my work like shit all semester.

Registration

Signing up for classes is honestly the most horrible process, if you are lucky enough to find the class you want has a few open sections they are at horrible times. I guess it is a college experience but it is definitely one i can live without

R.I.P. Hard drive

Over break I lost my entire hard drive, and like a lot of other people I know... I didn't back it up. Therefore I lost all my music, my photos(A TON OF PHOTOS), videos, school work/work from the last 4 years, Microsoft Office, and Adobe CS5 programs. It really sucks and it is so expensive to have it recovered and even if it can be recovered not all of it will be there. Moral of the story: back up your computer.

Holding on to things.

I recently got into a fight with a friend and we talked it out immediately cause thats what I like to do. Unless it is a huge fight then I like to have time to calm down before I say things out of anger. So we each spoke our sides and responded. And agreed we were over it. It was a tiny fight about just simply respecting each other's stuff. and we were good... or so I thought. She just doesn't let things go. She brought it all up again yesterday, I restated my argument and she was like ok we are chill... but she said it before... And I am stuck wondering if she is just being oversensitive or drama hungry. She acted like she was the victim when it was my stuff that was stolen and it was her friends that did it. People should just be able to move on better.

A rant about my photo teacher

So we have a 5 print 2 rolls of film project due monday, on top of that we had to watch this french artsy indie flick on last monday about the color blue and there wasn't even that much blue in it. To then find out we have to write a 3 page paper on the use of the color blue next class. The teacher wasn't even there to ask questions, not that we mind that much.... We love the sub.

Also most classes just have a simple 5 print project that is being called their midterm, because we all are gonna be starting our final projects soon. BUT MY CLASS? WE HAVE 5 ROLLS OF FILM AND 10 PRINTS DUE APRIL 2ND. For those non-photo majors, that is a shitton of work. And april 2nd is the day after break which means I will not be having a spring break but will be spending my break in the darkroom.

I hate my teacher so so so so much.

The Doctor's Wife

I am currently re-watching season 6 of Doctor Who that is now on netflix. Currently on the episode called "The Doctor's Wife" where his Tardis(Time/space machine) had it's soul in a human body. This show's original series was created in the 70s and the Tardis and the doctor has been the only really constant subjects. But until now the Tardis and the doctor never spoke, and it makes the episode incredible, the writing is amazing and brings tears every time. They have been each other's only constant companions for 700 years, It's heartbreaking.

The Doctor: I don't understand. Who are you?
Idris: You really not know me? Just because they put me in here?
The Doctor: They said you're dangerous.
Idris: Oh, the cage's stupid.
[Touches her head]
Idris: In here. They put me in here. I'm the...
Idris: What do you call me, ah... We travel. I go
[makes the TARDIS sound]
The Doctor:The TARDIS?
Idris: Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. Yes, that's it. Names are funny. It's me. I'm the TARDIS.
The Doctor: No, you're not. You're a bitey mad lady. The TARDIS is up and downy stuff in a big blue box.
Idris: Yes, that's me. A type 40 TARDIS. I was already a museum piece when you were young. And the first time you touched my console, you said...
The Doctor: I said you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever known.
Idris: Then you stole me. And I stole you.
The Doctor: I borrowed you.
Idris: Borrowing implies the eventual intention to return the thing that was taken. What makes you think I would ever give you back?

Creepy Children

I think it amazing how editing can make children singing a song in a show or movie into something so creepy and terrifying that chills just ran through my body while watching TV. I am really good with bloody scenes, but children singing a creepy tune in those creepy high pitched voices with creepy music freaks me out.

A walk through akihabara

I stand on the sidewalk pushed back towards a window of a store as tons of people hurry by. I stand in the electronic district of Tokyo. People move so quickly by I admittedly think of godzilla and the running crowds. I look up blinded by all the lights that could easily set off a seizure in someone, I wonder if it has. The lights and signs of Akihabara make times square look like a suburban lawn with christmas lights. I step into the crowd being picked up in their current, wondering how on earth I will find my way back to my hotel.

Hunger games media

I have started to notice that all the media for the hunger games has been like "Are you Team Peeta or Gale?" Which is very capitol like, focusing on the entertainment heartthrob side instead of talking about how we are gonna watch 22 kids die gruesome deaths. The movie is gonna be more violent then people think and it is gonna shock them. I hope when the movie comes out people will realize that this isn't twilight and the only teams are the capitol and the rebels.

A gift from my mom

When I was younger my mom had this reddish fur coat that was/is the softest thing in the world. I used to use it as a blanket a lot growing up, or would wear it around the house inside-out. But in the last year it has gotten beaten up and my mom had it made into a pillow for me. It is so soft and I love it. When I am laying on it I feel like a little kid again.

Sex ED in CPS public schools

Having gone to one of the private schools in Chicago, they spared no expense teaching us sex ed and health; leaving us admittedly more informed then one would want. I was approached by someone I know to buy a pregnancy test, I agreed and asked her the normal questions, When was the last time you had sex? Her answer? "September." Kinda shocked I went on to ask her the obvious question, When was the last "time of the month"? Her response: "A month ago, but I'm irregular." I answered, "well then why do you think you are pregnant?" Her answer, "I threw up 2 weeks ago."

I am honestly curious to how people just either disregard that type of education or don't have a school that tries to make the knowledge sink in. I have heard from some friends that health was kind of a joke as they make references to Mean Girls. I don't know what to think anymore.

The Hunger Games

When I woke up this morning I decided I was going to start The Hunger Games. 9 hours later I am on the 387th page, and i'm a slow reader. The plot is great and it is very well written. Also the font is pretty big so my eyes haven't started to hurt yet. Almost finished with it and I can't wait to read the second one, which I just found in PDF online.

Thoughts on having computers and ipads in class

People should not be allowed to use computer and ipads in class. If the class is pretty much discussion based and people are sitting on their technology of choice it isn't fair, especially if they are not contributing at all. I understand sometimes I don't understand, like, or wish to comment on certain readings, but you have to at least listen, or daydream like a normal student.

Color Film

I knew color film was going to be as irritating as a process as black and white film was, but I was not expecting this. Today, we spent 4 hours working on finding the right scale of Yellow and Magenta to correctly color correct our film. But these numbers only work for 1 enlarger in 1 darkroom for photos taken in a certain time of day in a particular light. So basically it doesn't help me really correct any other photos of mine. And we all reminded by the great notions that we spend at least $15 making 1 photo, and knowing color film isn't really used anymore except for hipsters.